After all her hard work keeping the communist gorilla at bay, US right-wing racist warrior Ann Coulter isn’t about to let the reds in through the back door via soccer, writes Ben Pobjie from Australia. “Any growing interest in soccer can only be a sign of the nation’s moral decay,” she declared, denouncing “Third World peasants.” Soccer hatred, in other words, exemplifies American exceptionalism and imperialism.
The Drum (July 1) – As our commendably modest Prime Minister has noted, the United States of America is the greatest country on Earth. But such a status always brings with it risks and the need for vigilance – just as the mighty lion of the Savannah is forever in danger of being torn to pieces by jealous meerkats, so does the US face threats from within and without to its supremacy.
Of course, this necessitates a quality early warning system, and the US has a great one in Ann Coulter, who has been identifying and battling against threats to the American way of life ever since she was spawned by a freak electrical storm inside an abattoir. Coulter has of late raised the alarm regarding the most recent danger to American greatness: soccer.
Coulter has identified the moral decay which soccer brings to every nation it infests. Examples are everywhere: Germany, a country where soccer is enormously popular, started two world wars. Greece was a notably pro-soccer nation immediately prior to the collapse of its economy. Even Australia is not immune: look at what’s happened to poor Todd Carney. Now you can say that the urinary habits of rugby league players are nothing to do with soccer, but I don’t remember Todd Carney weeing in his own mouth before the Socceroos qualified for the World Cup.
But the real issue here is the US. Coulter’s warning must be heeded, lest the vile socialism at the heart of soccer grow fungus-like over the whole nation, destroying hope for the free world. Already the US team has qualified for the round of 16 in Brazil: if they get much further, sporting Marxism has a genuine shot at taking over.
Let’s look at the ways in which soccer represents the worst of this failed political philosophy. We may start with the shape of the ball. A soccer ball is completely round, much like a globe, and so can be seen as a symbol of globalisation, or more sinisterly, a subliminal recommendation of a one-world government. Are we happy that every time a soccer player kicks the ball, he is helping those who would have his nation give up its sovereignty? Of course this doesn’t matter with countries like Costa Rica or Spain, but for the US it could be a real problem.
Next there is the fact that the ball is transported via the kick. Ask anyone what the most efficient way to get a ball into a goal is and they will tell you, “pick it up and run into the net”. Yet in soccer they use their feet, making goals far more difficult and rare to score than if players were simply barging their way over the line like in good games like rugby. This gross inefficiency, of course, mirrors the inefficiency of the Soviet economy, where productivity became subservient to ideology. The whole premise of the game is a model of Stalinism.
Next, the offside rule. If a player in a soccer game uses his initiative to get way ahead of the play, putting himself in a position to receive the ball clear of defenders, he is called back by a mealy-mouthed referee. So does soccer punish anyone demonstrating the spirit of free enterprise that made America great. The message of the offside rule is clear: getting ahead is bad; stay with the pack; don’t stand out; queue for toilet paper.
Finally, there is the matter of “cards”. Bring down an opponent and you might get a yellow card. Really belt him and you might get a red card. You see what this means? Soccer rewards the weak and punishes the strong. If you demonstrate your ability to dominate others, to assert your musky masculine superiority by kicking someone in the leg or pulling their shirt, you are banished, as if to a Gulag. If, on the other hand, you’re such a sissy that you can’t stay upright when someone kicks you, you get gifted a “free kick”. Sound familiar? That’s right, “free kick” is quite a similar phrase to “free health care”. It is certainly not the American way to go handing out freebies to congratulate people on their inherent weakness, while putting those who have proved their strength in metaphorical chains; but it is the soccer way.
You can see the problem. The US fought a decades-long Cold War to keep we inhabitants of the good countries free of the stifling grip of the communist gorilla. How tragic if, after all that hard work, the commies came in through the back door via soccer. We could hope that Belgium knocks Team USA out tomorrow, but let’s be honest: when have we been able to count on Belgium for anything? No, there is a very real chance that by the end of this World Cup, the White House will be bending the knee to the Reds. More than it already does, that is. Am I right? All I can do is appeal to my American brethren: don’t let this happen.
Change the channel. Watch the basketball and the NFL. Focus on the glories of physical contact and balls you can pick up. Cut off contact with any friends and neighbours of European origin who have been asking you “innocently” over for a barbecue. Write to your congressman to demand that borders be closed to Brazilians with only one name. And if you see anyone acting suspiciously – feigning a serious ankle injury or forming a wall out of men holding their hands in front of their groins – do your country a favour; shoot them.
Ben Pobjie is a writer, comedian and poet with no journalistic qualifications whatsoever. View his full profilehere.